Sunday, June 15, 2014

My Two Fathers

In September of 2013, I received news of the passing of my biological father in El Salvador. In 2014, I received news that my step-father has an advanced cancer and may not have much time to live. 

I cried for my B-father as if they had torn a piece of my soul away. Why? is it the blood that ties..was it his blood calling me? Is there a reason why I felt a discomfort all week on my back and it went away the day he passed and I got the news. 

I wrote this piece not too long after his passing:

you died entirely
without me, taking with you
the colors of your small town, its music
and dusty roads. Your hand swept the streets
from the tracks where you walked – and the sounds
of the deep shadowy night. I’ve grieved in front of
a mirror that reflects not, that only bounces off the echo
of my grieving heart. You picked your destiny, I
picked to wait for a sign from the prideful sun.
I stare, destroyed
-alone, wearing your lips.
-September 2013
When I received news of my stepfather's advanced cancer and that he was moving to Mexico to live it out, I understood. He has always loved his little town, making the trip back home almost every year with my mom during the holiday seasons. 
I speak to him on occasion and I feel so sad. He was always a quiet man. Only raised his voice to make a point sometimes. But Eloy has always been a gentle man. A hardworking man. A patient man. A fair and loving man. I love him and my mom as hard as she is-knows she is a lucky lady. 
For my mother

Do you cry every chance you get?
I don't see how this is not possible right now.
I can't stand it and I can't understand it.

Am I just that weak?
Give him kisses and hugs for me.
Stare into his eyes and squeeze
his fat cheeks. Smell him and take
away his scent, count his breaths
-let him snore as loud as he wants.
Make him coffee and let
him eat as much pan dulce as he wants.
Record his voice and take pictures of his shadow.
Play his favorite records and if he wants to watch Cantinflas movies,
soccer matches and Novelas because he loves it,


If he wants to sit in the restroom reading
the paper in peace and think, let him.
If you hear him cry, hold him.
If he is in pain, run to him.
If he falls, pick him up.

If he wants to close his eyes forever.....


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